I feel bad about myself , i lost it with rage at the helpline volunteers?

Okay, i reckon you need some good pointers to sort yourself out, and your life situation. Your a young and obviously bright guy whom has been unfortunate and let down by insensitive fools. That is something i would urge you to seek out a professional counseller about, like a psychoyst, say. You have a lot of pent up and conflicting thoughts and feelings-you maybe need to channel them into something more constructive, so they do not become troublesome to you (importantly), or others (less importantly). You probably need an impartial, equanimous, intervention to soothe these strong emotions when they become too much. I am sure you know of local services or help available in your locality that you could commit yourself to making progress with. I don't see how ringing a helpline is going to be practical, when they are't actually with you when/ where it is happening. Do you see my logic here? I also been through and supported others with very similar life situation. You need your abilities and potential acknowledged and freedom from this trap of anguish, i am sure you can and will make it. I bet you are well sound when become calm and rational-this is somrthing to work towards for now, and then perhaps employment and other life opportunities in long term. I hope this is a little boon of quality warm, and for want of a better term, advice for you is helpful. Very best wishes, you can beat and defeat, with right help and support, that your local mental health service is more than obliged to offer you, write some partially angry letters to them and express your views. Blessings!